The Third Thing

It has been said that a successful marriage is due in part to dumb luck. The dumb luck has to do with picking a partner who suits us—not perfectly, but sufficiently, suits not only the person we are when we marry but also the person we turn out to be. The dumb luck has to do with being able to deal—as partners—with life’s seismic changes and unexpected blows. 

In the white heat of love, young lovers might not notice they hold different views on quite crucial matters, or might not worry much about whether their lover will be a good partner, good parent, good person five or ten or twenty years from now.  But if we have dumb luck, there’ll be something between us that will bind us over the decades, even when love falters and times are tough.

And what is that “something” between us that will serve as the glue? Commitment? Strong connection?  More positive than negative sentiments, as the renowned research psychologist, John Gottman suggests?  “Mature” love?

“There is scarcely anything more difficult than to love one another,” writes the poet Rainer Maria Rilke. “That it is work, day labor, God knows there is no other word for it.”

This labor, this work, demands vast stores of patience.  It requires paying attention, more attention than we’ve ever paid before.  It requires compelling ourselves, when we are sick and tired and ready to slam the door, to nonetheless leave the door just slightly ajar.  The work includes not only the work we must do on the relationship but also the work we must do on ourselves.

In working on the relationship, I think it helps to see it as an entity greater than the sum of its parts, an entity that’s been described as “bigger than both of us.”  It is the “third thing.” A thing with its own existence and its own rights.  A thing to which we owe certain obligations.  A thing on whose behalf we will, at least some of the time, have to transcend our individual needs.

The outer work we must do on behalf of our marriage, our relationship, our “third thing,” is deeply intertwined with the inner work we must do on our “I” and “me” and “mine.” That inner work involves making peace with compromise, ambiguity, contradiction, and many, many different shades of gray.  It requires us to revise and reshape our earlier expectations to meet the changing realities of who we are and where we are today. It means focusing on the good stuff.  I love this quote by Pat Love: When it comes to marriage, the more you focus on the bad stuff, the more you focus on the bad stuff.  It means giving up.  It means shaping up.  It sometimes means shutting up.  And it means growing up.

 Rilke puts it llike this: for one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. Love is a high inducement to the individual to ripen….it is something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things.

Love Consists in This....

One of my favorite quotes is by Rainer Maria Rilke:  Love. . . consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. I always share that quote in a letter I send to a couple after I have officiated their wedding. Good marriages have healthy, stable,  emotional connection.  Each spouse feels the other is there for her/him. Each feels the other is present—at least most of the time. So how do couples engender presence with each other?  Lots of books have been written about that, based on a lot of excellent research. But I believe Rilke’s quote about love sums it up beautifully. So let me elaborate:    

First of all note the phrase two solitudes. Solitude means “separateness, aloneness.”  So here are two solitudes, two separate, alone individuals, who find a way to connect with each other and over time, really come to love each other, without the loss of self—something we all long for and need.

Protect:  To the degree we can, of course we protect each other from the outside dangers that may sometime encroach. But we also protect each other’s known vulnerabilities.  If I know my wife is sensitive to my raised voice, because her parents always shouted at her, I want to protect her from that vulnerability. I try to remain mindful of the tone of my voice when I am upset.  I’m sure you protected each other’s feelings during courtship. You were thoughtful.  And while the ecstatic romantic phase of your relationship may lessen a bit, that thoughtfulness should continue. So we protect each other from behaviors that we know will make our spouse feel threatened or unhappy. Behaviors like selfish demands, judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty can create tension leading to withdrawal or defensive arguments.  So, it’s important to protect each other from those behaviors. And protect what we know to be our spouse’s vulnerabilities. Protection engenders presence.

Touch: Good communication of course is important. And that includes touching.  Not just when you’re making love—touching sensually and passionately-- but also when you are walking down the street, sitting next to one another, passing one another in the kitchen, or cuddling, massaging, hugging.  Touch conveys presence.  Research tells us that the U.S. is a low-touch culture.  In a recent survey, in Paris, the average number of times a couple touched one another in an hour at dinner was 115 times.  In the U.S., in Gainsville, Florida, the average was two times, the lowest of all the cities surveyed around the world! Touch also stimulates the secretion of oxytocin—the hormone of trust and bonding. So, touching each other physically or with words of affection or empathy  makes us feel embraced and present.

Greet:  Just say Hello! Well, yes, but say hello with a touch, or gentle eye contact, as we often do with friends and even strangers. Greeting is welcoming.  How do couples welcome one another in marriage?  They do so with a look or embrace when they see each other at the end of the day. They welcome one another’s life stories, in the present or from the past.  Greeting is also a way of expressing admiration and fondness.  Hi! You look great!  Or, That was a really great how you dealt with the kids today!   Or, Ah, honey, you’re the best. You’re so thoughtful! Greeting is also a way of responding to your partner’s reaching out for connection, conversation. John Gottman calls it “turning toward” or greeting each other’s bids for connection, for presence.

Perhaps I have read more into Rilke’s statement about love than he ever intended.  Perhaps not. Still, I think it’s a great quote: Love. . . consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Our Longest Married Couple: 78 years

OUR LONGEST MARRIED COUPLE: 78 YEARS  With the secret to how it’s done. It's at the end of the video.......http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/video-america-longest-married-couple-163138456.html