Sex Secrets of Happy Couples

They don't do it every day (really!). They believe in quickies (alright!). Read on for other reassuring truths about what a sexually healthy marriage looks like.
By Lisa Lombardi
Redbook, 12/ 11

This article is full of good advice including these nuggets from Barry McCarthy:
 2. They touch out of bed, too. They're not the scary PDA couple, feeling each other up in the frozen food aisle. But they are the sort to hug for no reason, swap foot rubs just because and even make foreplay the main course. "There are five degrees of touch, and couples in the best marriages regularly do at least four of them," says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., marriage and sex therapist and author of Rekindling Desire. "Many couples have two modes of affection: nothing or intercourse, and when that's the case, 'nothing' usually wins out," he explains. Why? When a kiss or back rub always leads to nooky, spouses may end up avoiding contact unless they want sex. A better idea: Get hands-on when you're not hoping to get it on. "Your sex will become much more natural, because one kind of touch flows into another," says McCarthy. By physically connecting in small ways throughout the day, you stay warmed up for intense action later. And you'll still feel close on those inevitable nights when you're too stressed or tired (or both!) for the main event.
5. They don't expect Hollywood sex. We can all picture it: candles glowing, white 1,000-thread-count bedsheets billowing, lovely lovemaking culminating in simultaneous, earthshaking orgasms. The only thing is, that almost never happens, says McCarthy. And the duos who are most likely to succeed wisely know not to expect it. "When you're living together and have two kids, two jobs, etc., if you're having Hollywood sex once a month, you're doing great," he says. How great? According to McCarthy, among happily married couples, up to 15 percent of erotic encounters are not even enjoyable for one or both spouses. Maybe the sex is hurried, physically uncomfortable or doesn't lead to the final fireworks. Secure couples are able to roll with off-nights, rather than taking them as a sign that something's wrong with their relationship. And they don't postpone sex until all the planets are perfectly aligned, either. . . .

For all ten tips: http://tinyurl.com/d7eemdt

The Promise

William Doherty, professor and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota, also refers to the impulsive, tenuous attitudes many people hold toward marriage resulting in what Doherty labels as consumer marriage, i.e., that our consumer culture emphasizes immediate gratification and teaches us not to be loyal to anything or anyone that does not continue to meet our needs.

I am not suggesting that all couples should stay married no matter what.  I think Doherty is addressing how quick we are to give up on marriage if we don’t feel completely gratified. There will be issues in all marriages. We all have our vulnerabilities and imperfections.  We know some of those vulnerabilities in each other when we marry, but many we do not. Mature marital love calls on us to accept and cope with each other’s weaknesses over time.  I believe marriage is a spiritual and physical bond that most of us long for and is central to healthy families and communities.

Marriage is also a union between two imperfect people who sometimes have to struggle against forces to make their love endure.  In that sense marriage is an opportunity for personal growth.  Marriage means my being faithful to a flawed human being who is faithful to me as a flawed human being. Learning how to do that in a meaningful way is a significant challenge—and sometimes we need help--but it is also an opportunity to engender and deepen our ability to love more deeply. In marriage, we learn to grow beyond our self-interests, not to the point of losing one’s self, but to the point of learning how to deeply love another, in good times and bad, without the loss or self or the loss of our commitment to one another. Isn’t that what couples promise to one another on their wedding day? In other words, real love is born in committed relationships.

 I married you because you gave me a promise. 

That promise made up for your faults.

 And the promise I gave you made up for mine.

Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage...

And when the children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them;

 and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.

-Thorton Wilder

Marriage With No Regrets

In a recent article in the New York Times Science section (January 10, 2012), Jane Brody writes about living life meaningfully and moving into the “graying” years with no regrets.  She draws from a recent book entitled 30 Lessons for Living by Karl Pillemer, professor of human development at the College of Human Ecology at Cornell. The book highlights those aspects of life considered to be most important and fulfilling by over a 1000 older Americans from all economic/educational/ethnic strata. These older Americans were interviewed as part of an ongoing Cornell Legacy Project.  Based on what they did right and wrong in their lives, they offer their thoughts and advice about having a satisfying and successful life.  Brody summarizes the thoughts of these senior citizens and the first topic she addresses is marriage.  Interestingly she herself personally notes that she believes the high rates of divorce today speak to an impulsiveness to marry and a tenuous commitment to vows of “till death do us part.”

Here is Brody’s poignant summary of the “graying” citizens’ comments about marriage:

A satisfying marriage that lasts a lifetime is more likely to result when partners are fundamentally similar and share the same basic values and goals.  Although romantic love initially brings most couples together, what keeps them together is an abiding friendship, an ability to communicate, a willingness to give and take, and a commitment to the institution of marriage as well as to each other…..An 89-year-old woman who was glad she stayed in her marriage even though her young husband’s behavior was adversely affected by his military service said, ‘Too many young people now are giving  up too early, too soon.’  Read the entire article at http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/10/health/elderly-experts-share-life-advice-in-cornell-project.html?_r=1&ref=janeebrody

I will write more about the “impulsive and tenuous” attitude about marriage in the next blog entry.

Welcome!

Thanks for stopping by. My hope is to help couples, whether traditional or non-traditional, move into the next stage in their relationship. I truly enjoy being part of creating a unique and wonderful wedding ceremony that reflects your values and thoughts.


This blog will be a way for me to interact with those couples trying to plan their life together. Please feel free to join in a discussion if you see something that makes you think, tickles your fancy, or just requires a bit more detail!