The Brain on Love

A recent  NY Times Sunday Review (March 25) featured an essay entitled, The Brain On Love. The author, Diane Ackerman, writes about recent discoveries in the field of interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB).  IPNB, developed by Dan Siegel and Allan Schore, is a relatively new approach to exploring the brain and how it is directly impacted by life experiences throughout our lives.  Ackerman focuses mainly on the impact of relationships on our brains, and in particular, marriage.  To share with you, I have excerpted a few segments from Ackerman’s commentary which I found most impactful:


….All relationships change the brain — but most important are the intimate bonds that foster or fail us…..
….As the most social apes, we inhabit a mirror-world in which every important relationship, whether with spouse, friend or child, shapes the brain, which in turn shapes our relationships……… It’s not that care-giving changes genes; it influences how the genes express themselves as the child grows.
….Does it also promote physical well-being? “Scientific studies of longevity, medical and mental health, happiness and even wisdom,” Dr. Siegel says, “point to supportive relationships as the most robust predictor of these positive attributes in our lives across the life span.”
….When two people become a couple, the brain extends its idea of self to include the other; instead of the slender pronoun “I,” a plural self emerges who can borrow some of the other’s assets and strengths……………. We don’t just get under a mate’s skin, we absorb him or her.
….But a loving touch is enough to change everything. James Coan, a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, conducted experiments in 2006 in which he gave an electric shock to the ankles of women in happy, committed relationships. Tests registered their anxiety before, and pain level during, the shocks.


Then they were shocked again, this time holding their loving partner’s hand. The same level of electricity produced a significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. In troubled relationships, this protective effect didn’t occur. If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions.


However, it’s not all sub rosa. One can decide to be a more attentive and compassionate partner, mindful of the other’s motives, hurts and longings. Breaking old habits isn’t easy, since habits are deeply ingrained neural shortcuts, a way of slurring over details without having to dwell on them.  Couples often choose to rewire their brains on purpose, sometimes with a therapist’s help, to ease conflicts and strengthen their at-one-ness. (My underline, of course.)


……Wedded hearts change everything, even the brain. 


Read the entire essay at http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/the-brain-on-love/?scp=1&sq=On%20love&st=cse   Thanks.    Jim Covington

Where Love Is: Same Sex Wedding Ceremony

This past weekend I had the joy and honor of officiating the wedding of two gay men from Australia, Julian and Andrew.  The wedding took place in Central Park and was attended by their respective families.  The wedding was organized by I Do New York event planners. It was truly a moving, love-filled ceremony. I am a Unitarian Universalist minister and over the last decade I have officiated numerous “union ceremonies” and now at last in the state of New York, official wedding ceremonies for same-sex couples.  We not only celebrate their “rite” of marriage, but now, their “right” of marriage as well.

I have believed in same-sex marriage for a long time.  I believe in same-sex committed relationships because I have seen it done.  I believe in same-sex marriage because I believe all people in a committed love relationship deserve the same benefits those of us who are heterosexual have enjoyed. I believe that where love is—we have a relationship that must be affirmed and supported.  Where love is,  I believe fair and loving human beings have a responsibility to affirm and support it.   In the last analysis we are all more human than otherwise.  Where love is—is a good place to be and that includes the wedding ceremony of a same-sex couple.

In the past weeks Maryland and Washington have legalized same-sex marriage, and the governor of New Jersey has vetoed a bill that would have recognized same-sex marriages in that state.

As this issue is likely to remain in the foreground in the coming presidential election, I want to recommend a book just published:  Gay Marriage, Real Life: Ten Stories of Love and Family by Michelle Bates Deakin. It is an insightful look at this important topic.

Through the personal stories of ten couples, some of whom are married legally, and some who have held ceremonies without civil recognition, you will gain a deeper understanding of the human side to this struggle. In a review, Library Journal writes, "This aptly named book has a simple message: gay marriage for many people is not a theoretical issue but a real-life one. The ten stories included here take the issue out of the hands of politicians and invite the reader into the homes of real people.   

Jim Covington, M.Div., M.A., LMFT

http://www.weddings-nondenom.com/

http://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/  

The Secure Attachment Style

IN my last blog entry I wrote about the importance of attachment and the three basic types of attachment style:  avoidant, anxious and secure.  As you prepare for marriage, I believe an understanding of these styles can be helpful.  In the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, these three styles are defined and elaborated on.   The healthiest relationships are those between two people who are “secure.”  While I doubt that many of us ever fit this type of personality perfectly, I think it can be useful to contemplate the authors’ description of the secure type of individual (pp 136-137):

• Great conflict buster—During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.
• Mentally flexible—They are not threatened by criticism.  They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies..
• Effective communicators—They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them.
• Not game players—They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games.?
• Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.”  Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
• Quick to forgive—They assume their partner’s intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
• Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one—They don’t need to create distance by separating the two.
• Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
• Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others.
• Responsible for their partner’s well being—They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.

Born To Be Attached

In recent years research has confirmed that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes. In fact the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic/married partners).  This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child, parted form his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her.  Or the opposite, when  child ia abused, becomes an angry loner or  emotionally distant. These reactions are called protest behaviors and we all still exhibit them as grown-ups. ( Sue Johnson in her book, Hold My Tight, refers to this behavior between couples as the protest polka.)

Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually (seldom acknowledged) a protest over feeling disconnected, or unsafe, impinged upon, or not loved enough.  Our society emphasizes individuality, differentiation, independence—all of which are important states of being, to a point—Born to Be Free, as the song goes.   The reality is that we also need to feel connected and are dependent on one another for that connection. We are also born to be attached.

Our need for attachment and how we express that need or deny it,  depends on a number of factors, including, early childhood upbringing, natural temperament, brain wiring, and life experiences.  According to scientific research, humans develop three different ways or styles of approaching intimacy:  avoidant, anxious and secure.  All people in our society fall into one of these categories or perhaps a combination.  The reason relationships become difficult at times is that each person has different attachment styles and needs.  Depending on the attachment style and needs of each person,  if a couple is not attuned to each other, they can begin to feel misunderstood, abandoned, alone, smothered,  or dominated. That’s when the protest behaviors begin: distancing, criticism, blaming.

Here is a brief description of each style of attachment (see Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment, Levine and Heller): Avoidant:  It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationship.  Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arms’ length. You don’t like to touch very much. You tend not to open up to your love partner and she/he often complains that you are emotionally distant, which of course, makes you angry and more distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement in your space by your partner.  Or you many choose to be alone which many young people today seem to be choosing. Not sure what that means, but I am intrigued and concerned.

Anxious: You love to be very close to your partner and have the capacity for great intimacy.  You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. Or sometimes you just get quiet and distant and withdraw, but inside you are anxious and hurting. Or you talk to your friends and/or parents about your anxiety, but not your partner

Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you.  You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationship.  You don’t get easily upset over relationship matters.  You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need.

It might be helpful for you to share this with your loved one.  Please don’t point fingers and accuse each other of being this style or that!  Share your different attachment styles as you each perceive them and your emotional needs. Become more mindful of them in yourself and each other, realizing that we are all different and that the deepest love calls on us to respect those needs, articulate them, and not become a slave to them, but learn to share and respond to them affectionately in our individual selves and to each other. And if necessary, find a counselor to help you talk about it.   I will write more about this in my next blog.

Jim Covington, http://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/