Love Consists in This....

One of my favorite quotes is by Rainer Maria Rilke:  Love. . . consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. I always share that quote in a letter I send to a couple after I have officiated their wedding. Good marriages have healthy, stable,  emotional connection.  Each spouse feels the other is there for her/him. Each feels the other is present—at least most of the time. So how do couples engender presence with each other?  Lots of books have been written about that, based on a lot of excellent research. But I believe Rilke’s quote about love sums it up beautifully. So let me elaborate:    

First of all note the phrase two solitudes. Solitude means “separateness, aloneness.”  So here are two solitudes, two separate, alone individuals, who find a way to connect with each other and over time, really come to love each other, without the loss of self—something we all long for and need.

Protect:  To the degree we can, of course we protect each other from the outside dangers that may sometime encroach. But we also protect each other’s known vulnerabilities.  If I know my wife is sensitive to my raised voice, because her parents always shouted at her, I want to protect her from that vulnerability. I try to remain mindful of the tone of my voice when I am upset.  I’m sure you protected each other’s feelings during courtship. You were thoughtful.  And while the ecstatic romantic phase of your relationship may lessen a bit, that thoughtfulness should continue. So we protect each other from behaviors that we know will make our spouse feel threatened or unhappy. Behaviors like selfish demands, judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty can create tension leading to withdrawal or defensive arguments.  So, it’s important to protect each other from those behaviors. And protect what we know to be our spouse’s vulnerabilities. Protection engenders presence.

Touch: Good communication of course is important. And that includes touching.  Not just when you’re making love—touching sensually and passionately-- but also when you are walking down the street, sitting next to one another, passing one another in the kitchen, or cuddling, massaging, hugging.  Touch conveys presence.  Research tells us that the U.S. is a low-touch culture.  In a recent survey, in Paris, the average number of times a couple touched one another in an hour at dinner was 115 times.  In the U.S., in Gainsville, Florida, the average was two times, the lowest of all the cities surveyed around the world! Touch also stimulates the secretion of oxytocin—the hormone of trust and bonding. So, touching each other physically or with words of affection or empathy  makes us feel embraced and present.

Greet:  Just say Hello! Well, yes, but say hello with a touch, or gentle eye contact, as we often do with friends and even strangers. Greeting is welcoming.  How do couples welcome one another in marriage?  They do so with a look or embrace when they see each other at the end of the day. They welcome one another’s life stories, in the present or from the past.  Greeting is also a way of expressing admiration and fondness.  Hi! You look great!  Or, That was a really great how you dealt with the kids today!   Or, Ah, honey, you’re the best. You’re so thoughtful! Greeting is also a way of responding to your partner’s reaching out for connection, conversation. John Gottman calls it “turning toward” or greeting each other’s bids for connection, for presence.

Perhaps I have read more into Rilke’s statement about love than he ever intended.  Perhaps not. Still, I think it’s a great quote: Love. . . consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.  Happy Valentine’s Day!