The Promise

William Doherty, professor and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota, also refers to the impulsive, tenuous attitudes many people hold toward marriage resulting in what Doherty labels as consumer marriage, i.e., that our consumer culture emphasizes immediate gratification and teaches us not to be loyal to anything or anyone that does not continue to meet our needs.

I am not suggesting that all couples should stay married no matter what.  I think Doherty is addressing how quick we are to give up on marriage if we don’t feel completely gratified. There will be issues in all marriages. We all have our vulnerabilities and imperfections.  We know some of those vulnerabilities in each other when we marry, but many we do not. Mature marital love calls on us to accept and cope with each other’s weaknesses over time.  I believe marriage is a spiritual and physical bond that most of us long for and is central to healthy families and communities.

Marriage is also a union between two imperfect people who sometimes have to struggle against forces to make their love endure.  In that sense marriage is an opportunity for personal growth.  Marriage means my being faithful to a flawed human being who is faithful to me as a flawed human being. Learning how to do that in a meaningful way is a significant challenge—and sometimes we need help--but it is also an opportunity to engender and deepen our ability to love more deeply. In marriage, we learn to grow beyond our self-interests, not to the point of losing one’s self, but to the point of learning how to deeply love another, in good times and bad, without the loss or self or the loss of our commitment to one another. Isn’t that what couples promise to one another on their wedding day? In other words, real love is born in committed relationships.

 I married you because you gave me a promise. 

That promise made up for your faults.

 And the promise I gave you made up for mine.

Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage...

And when the children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them;

 and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.

-Thorton Wilder