The Secure Attachment Style

IN my last blog entry I wrote about the importance of attachment and the three basic types of attachment style:  avoidant, anxious and secure.  As you prepare for marriage, I believe an understanding of these styles can be helpful.  In the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, these three styles are defined and elaborated on.   The healthiest relationships are those between two people who are “secure.”  While I doubt that many of us ever fit this type of personality perfectly, I think it can be useful to contemplate the authors’ description of the secure type of individual (pp 136-137):

• Great conflict buster—During a fight they don’t feel the need to act defensively or to injure or punish their partner, and so prevent the situation from escalating.
• Mentally flexible—They are not threatened by criticism.  They’re willing to reconsider their ways, and if necessary, revise their beliefs and strategies..
• Effective communicators—They expect others to be understanding and responsive, so expressing their feelings freely and accurately to their partners comes naturally to them.
• Not game players—They want closeness and believe others want the same, so why play games.?
• Comfortable with closeness, unconcerned about boundaries—They seek intimacy and aren’t afraid of being “enmeshed.”  Because they aren’t overwhelmed by a fear of being slighted (as are the anxious) or the need to deactivate (as are the avoidants), they find it easy to enjoy closeness, whether physical or emotional.
• Quick to forgive—They assume their partner’s intentions are good and are therefore likely to forgive them when they do something hurtful.
• Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one—They don’t need to create distance by separating the two.
• Treat their partners like royalty—When you’ve become part of their inner circle, they treat you with love and respect.
• Secure in their power to improve the relationship—They are confident in their positive beliefs about themselves and others.
• Responsible for their partner’s well being—They expect others to be responsive and loving toward them and so are responsive to others’ needs.