In recent years research has confirmed that the need to be in a close relationship is embedded in our genes. In fact the need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic/married partners). This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones. The mechanism explains why a child, parted form his or her mother becomes frantic, searches wildly, or cries uncontrollably until he or she reestablishes contact with her. Or the opposite, when child ia abused, becomes an angry loner or emotionally distant. These reactions are called protest behaviors and we all still exhibit them as grown-ups. ( Sue Johnson in her book, Hold My Tight, refers to this behavior between couples as the protest polka.)
Most of the time, when I work with couples who are struggling, I usually help them discover that their angry, blaming or distancing behavior toward one another is actually (seldom acknowledged) a protest over feeling disconnected, or unsafe, impinged upon, or not loved enough. Our society emphasizes individuality, differentiation, independence—all of which are important states of being, to a point—Born to Be Free, as the song goes. The reality is that we also need to feel connected and are dependent on one another for that connection. We are also born to be attached.
Our need for attachment and how we express that need or deny it, depends on a number of factors, including, early childhood upbringing, natural temperament, brain wiring, and life experiences. According to scientific research, humans develop three different ways or styles of approaching intimacy: avoidant, anxious and secure. All people in our society fall into one of these categories or perhaps a combination. The reason relationships become difficult at times is that each person has different attachment styles and needs. Depending on the attachment style and needs of each person, if a couple is not attuned to each other, they can begin to feel misunderstood, abandoned, alone, smothered, or dominated. That’s when the protest behaviors begin: distancing, criticism, blaming.
Here is a brief description of each style of attachment (see Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment, Levine and Heller): Avoidant: It is very important for you to maintain your independence and self-sufficiency and you often prefer autonomy to intimate relationship. Even though you do want to be close to others, you feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep your partner at arms’ length. You don’t like to touch very much. You tend not to open up to your love partner and she/he often complains that you are emotionally distant, which of course, makes you angry and more distant. In relationships, you are often on high alert for any signs of control or impingement in your space by your partner. Or you many choose to be alone which many young people today seem to be choosing. Not sure what that means, but I am intrigued and concerned.
Anxious: You love to be very close to your partner and have the capacity for great intimacy. You often fear, however, that your partner does not wish to be as close as you would like him/her to be. You tend to be very sensitive to small fluctuations in your partner’s moods and actions. You experience a lot of negative emotions within the relationship and get easily upset. As a result, you tend to act out and say things you later regret. Or sometimes you just get quiet and distant and withdraw, but inside you are anxious and hurting. Or you talk to your friends and/or parents about your anxiety, but not your partner
Secure: Being warm and loving in a relationship comes naturally to you. You enjoy being intimate without becoming overly worried about your relationship. You don’t get easily upset over relationship matters. You effectively communicate your needs and feelings to your partner and are strong at reading your partner’s emotional cues and responding to them. You share your successes and problems with your mate, and are able to be there for him or her in times of need.
It might be helpful for you to share this with your loved one. Please don’t point fingers and accuse each other of being this style or that! Share your different attachment styles as you each perceive them and your emotional needs. Become more mindful of them in yourself and each other, realizing that we are all different and that the deepest love calls on us to respect those needs, articulate them, and not become a slave to them, but learn to share and respond to them affectionately in our individual selves and to each other. And if necessary, find a counselor to help you talk about it. I will write more about this in my next blog.
Jim Covington, http://www.marriagecounselormanhattan.com/
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